Hell I needed to post again. My life is going to hell in a hand basket and at least if I get this off my chest, then maybe it won't hurt so much to try and keep going.
Guy troubles... >:( I hate men, I think if women would just take over and send the men to little farms and only release them for "breeding" purposes, then the world would be a better place. Eh but thats just me and and my frustration with 2 different guys....
We all know the fiance, at least maybe....we have been fighting so much and its gotten so bad I don't even care if I speak to him and when we do talk I just want to lose my temper and go after him.... this is not a happy relationship anymore, its fighting and I am back in a deep depression and just can't pull myself together. We're on a 'break' right now and I think its about to become permanent.....
Then there's Dev....Gah Dev.....what a complicated life right there.... Been friends since getting close to 2 years now and we've had....a love/hate relation/friendship.... we both...liked each other a lot back in August and I mean we still do...but every time he gets a girlfriend, its like I quit existing until I just snap and tell him...I don't know what we are supposed to be...
We were best friends for a while, then it started getting to the flirting stage...and I've been wondering here lately if just flat out rejecting him was a stupid idea...we had everything in common, were super close...it may have been the guy I needed to be with...but I chose to stay with Jessie...and now I can't stand to see Jessie texting me, can't stand to talk to him, I just can't deal with him and his whining anymore... I don't even remember what its like to be happy in a relationship... all I can even recognize is that I cry all the time, I'm back to a low that I haven't been in since close to 2 years ago....I know in my heart it may be better to leave Jessie so he can move on and maybe I can too, but....at the same time, I'm scared, I am scared to be alone again, I am terrified of the whole ordeal of getting to the point of trusting again, and my biggest fear is that...Jessie will go back to the guy he was before me....where he smoked like a train, cut, did drugs, I mean he was hell....and if he does go back to that and something happens to him....it would be my fault.... :,( it doesn't make sense, but I have a guilt trip with him...something happens to him, it will be my fault...at least to me...and maybe even his family...And I do love Jessie...but Idk what would happen to either of us... Dev is too much of a train wreck to even consider trying for, even if he was single. He treats me like...I can't explain it properly. It goes from him caring so much about me that I feel happy, then he just drops me and quits talking, generally when he finds a girlfriend... And the sad part? I will forgive him every time, I know I will, and its stupid as hell to keep letting him...
So yeah, I am an idiot...guys may be my downfall... I can forgive almost anything they do within 2 seconds...every single time...
