AHHHHH!

Ok So I am on vacation with my parents, sister, 9 year old male cousin (Chris), teenage male cousin(Bran), and my 14 month old little girl cousin(May), I am regretting even going. Its insanity here. Chris is tormenting my sister like crazy, they're screaming and I just want to scream and go run to the beach.

I'm hiding out on the porch and by myself for the FIRST time today....and a godzilla sized bug just walked past me. It is absolutely brilliant here. You can smell the sea, there are palm trees everywhere, and its just...wow. If it wasn't for the hurricanes, I would love to live on a beach...but alone. No children, just my dogs <3

I can't wait to go to the beach, go to the island nearby, the lighthouses, everything. I cannot wait!!! <3

Single Girl Swag Love it

Yup, this girl, right here. Yeah she's single now, has been since March 9. Never been happier either.
And the best part? That ass cheated on me. So as far as I'm concerned, this is the best thing ever. Hurt for about...2 days? then it was like "Wait a second. I'm free!" so I've been dolling up more, having more fun, and being more myself. My mom and friends are loving this change in me. Its like I am a whole new person. :)
That moron. He's missing out now. I'm actually going to try and make plans to hang out with Devin, who I haven't seen in damn near a year just because I don't have to worry about something happening. Yeah it could, but hey, this girl is single, missing her friends, and anyone who doesn't like it can go to hell. I didn't see him in so long because I was afraid something would and ass would find out. Ha. Yeah whatever.
:) lol sorry if this is really all over, this is the real me finally coming back. Random, smart ass, and back to being happy & girly again. Hell I even dressed up a little on Tuesday, went to aqua zumba tonight, thinking about a good haircut and letting this me back out to be seen.
In fact this is how much I let myself come out of my shell just this Tuesday:

This girl is getting her swag back, getting through college, and showing the world I will never fall apart over him again. Trust me, mom said if the marks had stayed, she would have made me get a tattoo over them that said "Douchebag" yeah, don't think I would get a job with that one lol. :)
<3 Peace out lovelies, I may be posting more now that I'm me and not some little punk in love with a man ho

*Sigh* I hate men

Hell I needed to post again. My life is going to hell in a hand basket and at least if I get this off my chest, then maybe it won't hurt so much to try and keep going.

Guy troubles... >:( I hate men, I think if women would just take over and send the men to little farms and only release them for "breeding" purposes, then the world would be a better place. Eh but thats just me and and my frustration with 2 different guys....

We all know the fiance, at least maybe....we have been fighting so much and its gotten so bad I don't even care if I speak to him and when we do talk I just want to lose my temper and go after him.... this is not a happy relationship anymore, its fighting and I am back in a deep depression and just can't pull myself together. We're on a 'break' right now and I think its about to become permanent.....

Then there's Dev....Gah Dev.....what a complicated life right there.... Been friends since getting close to 2 years now and we've had....a love/hate relation/friendship.... we both...liked each other a lot back in August and I mean we still do...but every time he gets a girlfriend, its like I quit existing until I just snap and tell him...I don't know what we are supposed to be...

We were best friends for a while, then it started getting to the flirting stage...and I've been wondering here lately if just flat out rejecting him was a stupid idea...we had everything in common, were super close...it may have been the guy I needed to be with...but I chose to stay with Jessie...and now I can't stand to see Jessie texting me, can't stand to talk to him, I just can't deal with him and his whining anymore... I don't even remember what its like to be happy in a relationship... all I can even recognize is that I cry all the time, I'm back to a low that I haven't been in since close to 2 years ago....I know in my heart it may be better to leave Jessie so he can move on and maybe I can too, but....at the same time, I'm scared, I am scared to be alone again, I am terrified of the whole ordeal of getting to the point of trusting again, and my biggest fear is that...Jessie will go back to the guy he was before me....where he smoked like a train, cut, did drugs, I mean he was hell....and if he does go back to that and something happens to him....it would be my fault.... :,( it doesn't make sense, but I have a guilt trip with him...something happens to him, it will be my fault...at least to me...and maybe even his family...And I do love Jessie...but Idk what would happen to either of us... Dev is too much of a train wreck to even consider trying for, even if he was single. He treats me like...I can't explain it properly. It goes from him caring so much about me that I feel happy, then he just drops me and quits talking, generally when he finds a girlfriend... And the sad part? I will forgive him every time, I know I will, and its stupid as hell to keep letting him...

So yeah, I am an idiot...guys may be my downfall... I can forgive almost anything they do within 2 seconds...every single time...

Confessions of a Teenager

I guess since its been months I haven't talked, I would post.
And after reading 6 Billion Secrets for hours....There's a lot of confessing this Christmas.

Truth is, I hate my life. I hate the woman I have become.
When I was younger I couldn't fathom the idea of cutting...of bulimia or anorexia
I loved everyone. I always smiled and laughed. I was that little girl so full of life.

Now? I look in a mirror every day and hate what I see. I want to starve myself. I want to die. I still have the urges to cut my wrists. Especially when I fight with someone.
I realized I genuinely have become anti social.
I don't deal well with anyone. I cry every night because I wish I was the person I thought I'd be. Not the failure who looks in the mirror and wishes I could cut away the weight, cut away the misery.
No one sees how miserable I am. I wish every night that I wouldn't wake up. That I would remember why I forced myself to quit cutting. I start to remember then the yelling and fighting start.
Truth is I don't know who I am. I have become so unsure about everything.

I always feel self conscious when the topic of depression, bipolar disorder, or cutting come up.
I keep wondering if anyone will recognize any symptoms in me.
I haven't found a medicine that helps. Honestly I stopped taking my medication.
I can't see a difference. Every day is a nightmare.

My sister told me one day she hated me and wished I would die....I almost told her I wish the same thing.
I don't want her to become me.
She wants to be just like me.
How can she want to be the girl who cried all through 7th and 8th grade and high school?
How can she want to be the "fat smart girl" who no one gave a second glance?
Why would she want to be the girl who scarred herself up, just to feel alive?

 I don't expect pity. I needed to confess all this.

Sad night..

So...earlier I was looking around the living room and found a pocket knife that belonged to my Dad's dad (Papa)... Papa died when I was really little, like 5, from I think they said a heart attack and he crashed... He was the first real person in my family that I was close to who died.....He used to babysit me and the only memories I have of him are us playing with this little pink ball of mine, us eating butter pecan ice cream, and his blue truck... He was so amazing and it completely shell shocked me to find out he died...

And a few years later, his mother, (Gram, my great grandmother) died... She basically raised my Dad when he was little cause his mom didn't want him back then...and when my mom was working, dad would leave me with Gram to go get drunk, cause he was a spoiled punk back then...So she in a way raised me too... All I remember about her was where she lived, us playing with old wrestling dolls and my stuffed animals, and how she had one of those spinny dial phones I used to play with... I loved her so much...

Then it was my Aunt Angie... She was my best friend....we always always went to the Disney movie premieres together and we were identical...Everyone says that I look just like her and act and talk like her too... She was so amazing.... When my dad told me she died....I think I really went into shock... I told my momma and she thought I was lying... She had gastric bypass surgery and they dropped her when she was leaving and threw a clot... it was 9 years ago she died, and on her anniversary I had a complete breakdown cause mom was telling someone what happened to her and it completely broke me down.. I hate having her gone...It hurts....

And then Nana (My dad's mom)...we had a hard time getting to know each other cause she and dad fought a lot...but I used to always stay the night with her and we would be so silly... And she got really sick...It was my sophomore year and she was almost in a coma...and I made myself go to school just so I could be away from my cousins who didn't care and all these strangers and distant family hugging me saying they were sorry...and mom picked me up and...she was gone... I almost ruined a pillow crying.... We got the furniture from her old house and I still hate sitting in that chair I sat in at her house after she died...It just hits me...I couldn't go back and see her after she died...it hurt too much...

I hate how many people I've lost...including someone I was best friends with when I was 11... Kelly had leukemia and when I first went to that church she was my first friend... and the last memory I have of her was the last Easter she came to church...all her hair was gone and she was so small...I clipped out her obituary.... I can't take loss very well....  :(

I have a lot of issues but it hurts to realize you've lost all your father's family you even care about...besides my dad and cousins... And Jessie is losing all his family now... His step dad died in September, his great grandfather in October...and his great grandma may be next...I don't know how many more funerals I can take...

Gah....Idiot people

Ok so the one subject I hold close is cutting. I have been there, hell I'm still there. 6 years of it. And people don't understand things and they run their mouth.

Like not even a couple hours ago, a friend of mine, whom I love, admitted she cut herself. Posted a picture and everything. People started calling her crazy and stupid and going off on her because of it. Said it doesn't help anything, that its all in her head. First my mom said something and 2 idiots decided they could try and act smarter than her. Then I stepped in. I don't think I have ever had to hold back so much. I was her, I know what she means when she says it helps and she does it when she feels alone. So this one tried to pull that "It can hurt the nervous system  and kill them" And I had to throw out that most people who do this don't do it to kill themselves or seriously damage themselves. I don't play nice with something this important to me. I almost killed people. No one hurts my friend like they did. She even admitted what they were saying hurt her and made it worse. NO one I told belittled me and treated me like those people were treating my friend. They supported me and genuinely cared and tried to help me.

Here is how I put it to all my lovely facebook friends:

"Listen all you lovely people who judge people for something you neither understand nor take the time to understand. Your opinion isn't always the right one. So please learn to educate yourselves before you run your mouth and hurt someone with your uneducated opinions. Other people have feelings and you being a jerk doesn't help things in the least. So please either think about what you say or SHUT UP! No one deserves to be treated like they aren't as good as you are. So please get over yourselves. Kthanks"

Ugh >:| I want to beat peoples faces in

I just feel sad

I realized today I have no social life anymore. I'm always doing my homework, in class, catching up on work I haven't finished, babysitting, or puppysitting, I haven't seen any of my friends outside of class since school began, (3 months), I haven't seen Jessie in 2 weeks at all cause I'm sick, he's sick, family plans, or classwork. I have the worst immune system, if someone anywhere near me has the flu, I end up getting it, I have had a very sore ear infection for WEEKS >.< Winter causes me to just catch anything and everything. I wanna bubble, like in Bubble Boy...Like this:

Seeeeee no germs could get me! :D Eh I'm kinda kooky tonight. I got in a fight again with dad, Jessie is out of cell service for the night, and I am planning to watch Grease for extra credit :P I love that movie.


So Dad has been insufferable the past few days. The other day he and momma got into it over my sister. My sister told my mom that Mom was ungrateful and a horrible mother because Mom wouldn't buy her heels. My sister is 7! She doesn't need heels. Dad just got pissed mom even told him and he yelled at her...It was ugly. Today he started in on me and told me I needed to take something for my attitude. Dude I am bipolar and depressed, I am ON something for my attitude.

Sooooo I want to ramble but I don't know what to ramble about...Oh hey the band t.A.T.u! They're Russian and I love their voices! Course they are kinda done now, they were from the 90s....but still! They sung about being lesbians, and supposedly no one knew if they were or not. Still I got 3 songs by them and one is in full Russian "Ya Soshla Y Uma" It is so amazing :D The English version is called "All the Things She Said" I love it!! And this other group I got hooked on, Meg & Dia. I have strange musical tastes, but hey at least it means no one really knows what to expect. :) I have crazy music on my iPod, I like having bands and singers not many people listen to, It feels like its 'my' band. Maybe its just cause I like feeling like my own person, not one of those radio stalkers :p, but seriously if I do a shuffle of my music it'll be so weird...see:
1. Easier to Run-Linkin Park
2. God Bless the Child- Shania Twain
3. Crazy Little thing Called Love- Rihanna feat. J. Status
4. Moment by Aiden
5. Heart Like a Wheel- The Corrs
6. Forgotten- Avril Lavigne
7. My Last Breath-Evanescence
8. Lollipop Remix- Framing Hanley <3333
9. Stereo Love- Edward Maya
10. Young Forever- The Ready Set <3333333

 I have some old Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Nirvana, George Strait, Jesse McCartney, plus cover songs, and some unkown bands as well as some well known :) Its just me

... I am so ready for some social time with people... I feel like a hermit. I barely leave my house cause of chores and homework...Oh hey...I just said that... :p  So here are some random lyrics :D

"Know all about, about your reputation. And now its bout to be a havoc situation..." LeAnn Rimes, The Right Kind of Wrong. :)

"It ain't easy livin free..." ACDC, Highway to Hell :P

"Monster, how shall I feel, Creatures lie here, looking through the window." Meg & Dia, Monster <3

"All those crazy things you said, you left them running through my head, you're always there, you're everywhere, but right now I wish you were here. All those crazy things we did, didn't think about it, just went with it, you're always there, you're everywhere, but right now I wish you were here. Damn, damn, damn, what I'd do to have you here, here, here (I wish you were here) damn, damn, damn what I'd do to have you near, near, near (I wish you were here) Avril Lavigne, I Wish You Were Here

 Ok lol I'll stop rambling now and lay down and listen to my laptop till I fall asleep xD I miss my Jessie though >.< OMG I want to show you my favorite ring EVER :D Gemvara.com. Its a black diamond, white gold ring, in the "Carrie style"

Isn't she beautiful <3 I can't wait to see the Black Diamond Jessie got me :) but for real, I adore this ring. OK BED FOR REAL!!! xD