I guess since its been months I haven't talked, I would post.
And after reading 6 Billion Secrets for hours....There's a lot of confessing this Christmas.
Truth is, I hate my life. I hate the woman I have become.
When I was younger I couldn't fathom the idea of cutting...of bulimia or anorexia
I loved everyone. I always smiled and laughed. I was that little girl so full of life.
Now? I look in a mirror every day and hate what I see. I want to starve myself. I want to die. I still have the urges to cut my wrists. Especially when I fight with someone.
I realized I genuinely have become anti social.
I don't deal well with anyone. I cry every night because I wish I was the person I thought I'd be. Not the failure who looks in the mirror and wishes I could cut away the weight, cut away the misery.
No one sees how miserable I am. I wish every night that I wouldn't wake up. That I would remember why I forced myself to quit cutting. I start to remember then the yelling and fighting start.
Truth is I don't know who I am. I have become so unsure about everything.
I always feel self conscious when the topic of depression, bipolar disorder, or cutting come up.
I keep wondering if anyone will recognize any symptoms in me.
I haven't found a medicine that helps. Honestly I stopped taking my medication.
I can't see a difference. Every day is a nightmare.
My sister told me one day she hated me and wished I would die....I almost told her I wish the same thing.
I don't want her to become me.
She wants to be just like me.
How can she want to be the girl who cried all through 7th and 8th grade and high school?
How can she want to be the "fat smart girl" who no one gave a second glance?
Why would she want to be the girl who scarred herself up, just to feel alive?
I don't expect pity. I needed to confess all this.
awww, darl'n, im so sorry to hear this, if you need to takl to any one, Maddable@Hotmail.com << my email, so you can talk to me anytime, i dont mind, i like helping people
ReplyDeletedarl'n you shouldnt want to change yourself, you should embrace everything about you, you are unique, you are you, i wouldtn want to change you, even though i dont know you well, never met you, i know, i feel you have a strong heart, you can overcome these feelings, and in turn love yourself
Big Girl, by danielle Steal is a great book with a good message about a women who has struggled with her weigh, and it has a great message about lovign yourself fo rwho you are, maybe you should read it, and if you have read it, maybe remember what it took, to know, you are lovable and about weight and shizz,
if you take medicine, maybe you should keep takign it
i donno, but im here for you darl'n
hope you have a merry christmas xxxx
Maddie, you are so amazing. Honestly its people like you that keep me trying. Its nice to not feel so alone. You are an incredible young lady and I am so thankful we started talking on here.
ReplyDeleteIts just been hard here lately. Its fighting, arguing, stress over money, school, everything. This is one of the only places I can actually let my walls come down and just get everything off my chest.
I'm supposed to be the strong one who makes everyone laugh and feel better when they are unhappy. Not the one who has a hard time waking up in the mornings and wishing she had just died in her sleep....
maybe things will get better soon... I sure hope so
:3 thank you so much, i feel so happy that im helping you, im sorry i havnt been around to talk to you, have things gotten better now? are you happy? i hope you are, you deserve it <3 xxx
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