Sad night..

So...earlier I was looking around the living room and found a pocket knife that belonged to my Dad's dad (Papa)... Papa died when I was really little, like 5, from I think they said a heart attack and he crashed... He was the first real person in my family that I was close to who died.....He used to babysit me and the only memories I have of him are us playing with this little pink ball of mine, us eating butter pecan ice cream, and his blue truck... He was so amazing and it completely shell shocked me to find out he died...

And a few years later, his mother, (Gram, my great grandmother) died... She basically raised my Dad when he was little cause his mom didn't want him back then...and when my mom was working, dad would leave me with Gram to go get drunk, cause he was a spoiled punk back then...So she in a way raised me too... All I remember about her was where she lived, us playing with old wrestling dolls and my stuffed animals, and how she had one of those spinny dial phones I used to play with... I loved her so much...

Then it was my Aunt Angie... She was my best friend....we always always went to the Disney movie premieres together and we were identical...Everyone says that I look just like her and act and talk like her too... She was so amazing.... When my dad told me she died....I think I really went into shock... I told my momma and she thought I was lying... She had gastric bypass surgery and they dropped her when she was leaving and threw a clot... it was 9 years ago she died, and on her anniversary I had a complete breakdown cause mom was telling someone what happened to her and it completely broke me down.. I hate having her gone...It hurts....

And then Nana (My dad's mom)...we had a hard time getting to know each other cause she and dad fought a lot...but I used to always stay the night with her and we would be so silly... And she got really sick...It was my sophomore year and she was almost in a coma...and I made myself go to school just so I could be away from my cousins who didn't care and all these strangers and distant family hugging me saying they were sorry...and mom picked me up and...she was gone... I almost ruined a pillow crying.... We got the furniture from her old house and I still hate sitting in that chair I sat in at her house after she died...It just hits me...I couldn't go back and see her after she died...it hurt too much...

I hate how many people I've lost...including someone I was best friends with when I was 11... Kelly had leukemia and when I first went to that church she was my first friend... and the last memory I have of her was the last Easter she came to church...all her hair was gone and she was so small...I clipped out her obituary.... I can't take loss very well....  :(

I have a lot of issues but it hurts to realize you've lost all your father's family you even care about...besides my dad and cousins... And Jessie is losing all his family now... His step dad died in September, his great grandfather in October...and his great grandma may be next...I don't know how many more funerals I can take...