Sad night..

So...earlier I was looking around the living room and found a pocket knife that belonged to my Dad's dad (Papa)... Papa died when I was really little, like 5, from I think they said a heart attack and he crashed... He was the first real person in my family that I was close to who died.....He used to babysit me and the only memories I have of him are us playing with this little pink ball of mine, us eating butter pecan ice cream, and his blue truck... He was so amazing and it completely shell shocked me to find out he died...

And a few years later, his mother, (Gram, my great grandmother) died... She basically raised my Dad when he was little cause his mom didn't want him back then...and when my mom was working, dad would leave me with Gram to go get drunk, cause he was a spoiled punk back then...So she in a way raised me too... All I remember about her was where she lived, us playing with old wrestling dolls and my stuffed animals, and how she had one of those spinny dial phones I used to play with... I loved her so much...

Then it was my Aunt Angie... She was my best friend....we always always went to the Disney movie premieres together and we were identical...Everyone says that I look just like her and act and talk like her too... She was so amazing.... When my dad told me she died....I think I really went into shock... I told my momma and she thought I was lying... She had gastric bypass surgery and they dropped her when she was leaving and threw a clot... it was 9 years ago she died, and on her anniversary I had a complete breakdown cause mom was telling someone what happened to her and it completely broke me down.. I hate having her gone...It hurts....

And then Nana (My dad's mom)...we had a hard time getting to know each other cause she and dad fought a lot...but I used to always stay the night with her and we would be so silly... And she got really sick...It was my sophomore year and she was almost in a coma...and I made myself go to school just so I could be away from my cousins who didn't care and all these strangers and distant family hugging me saying they were sorry...and mom picked me up and...she was gone... I almost ruined a pillow crying.... We got the furniture from her old house and I still hate sitting in that chair I sat in at her house after she died...It just hits me...I couldn't go back and see her after she died...it hurt too much...

I hate how many people I've lost...including someone I was best friends with when I was 11... Kelly had leukemia and when I first went to that church she was my first friend... and the last memory I have of her was the last Easter she came to church...all her hair was gone and she was so small...I clipped out her obituary.... I can't take loss very well....  :(

I have a lot of issues but it hurts to realize you've lost all your father's family you even care about...besides my dad and cousins... And Jessie is losing all his family now... His step dad died in September, his great grandfather in October...and his great grandma may be next...I don't know how many more funerals I can take...

Gah....Idiot people

Ok so the one subject I hold close is cutting. I have been there, hell I'm still there. 6 years of it. And people don't understand things and they run their mouth.

Like not even a couple hours ago, a friend of mine, whom I love, admitted she cut herself. Posted a picture and everything. People started calling her crazy and stupid and going off on her because of it. Said it doesn't help anything, that its all in her head. First my mom said something and 2 idiots decided they could try and act smarter than her. Then I stepped in. I don't think I have ever had to hold back so much. I was her, I know what she means when she says it helps and she does it when she feels alone. So this one tried to pull that "It can hurt the nervous system  and kill them" And I had to throw out that most people who do this don't do it to kill themselves or seriously damage themselves. I don't play nice with something this important to me. I almost killed people. No one hurts my friend like they did. She even admitted what they were saying hurt her and made it worse. NO one I told belittled me and treated me like those people were treating my friend. They supported me and genuinely cared and tried to help me.

Here is how I put it to all my lovely facebook friends:

"Listen all you lovely people who judge people for something you neither understand nor take the time to understand. Your opinion isn't always the right one. So please learn to educate yourselves before you run your mouth and hurt someone with your uneducated opinions. Other people have feelings and you being a jerk doesn't help things in the least. So please either think about what you say or SHUT UP! No one deserves to be treated like they aren't as good as you are. So please get over yourselves. Kthanks"

Ugh >:| I want to beat peoples faces in