I guess since its been months I haven't talked, I would post.
And after reading 6 Billion Secrets for hours....There's a lot of confessing this Christmas.
Truth is, I hate my life. I hate the woman I have become.
When I was younger I couldn't fathom the idea of cutting...of bulimia or anorexia
I loved everyone. I always smiled and laughed. I was that little girl so full of life.
Now? I look in a mirror every day and hate what I see. I want to starve myself. I want to die. I still have the urges to cut my wrists. Especially when I fight with someone.
I realized I genuinely have become anti social.
I don't deal well with anyone. I cry every night because I wish I was the person I thought I'd be. Not the failure who looks in the mirror and wishes I could cut away the weight, cut away the misery.
No one sees how miserable I am. I wish every night that I wouldn't wake up. That I would remember why I forced myself to quit cutting. I start to remember then the yelling and fighting start.
Truth is I don't know who I am. I have become so unsure about everything.
I always feel self conscious when the topic of depression, bipolar disorder, or cutting come up.
I keep wondering if anyone will recognize any symptoms in me.
I haven't found a medicine that helps. Honestly I stopped taking my medication.
I can't see a difference. Every day is a nightmare.
My sister told me one day she hated me and wished I would die....I almost told her I wish the same thing.
I don't want her to become me.
She wants to be just like me.
How can she want to be the girl who cried all through 7th and 8th grade and high school?
How can she want to be the "fat smart girl" who no one gave a second glance?
Why would she want to be the girl who scarred herself up, just to feel alive?
I don't expect pity. I needed to confess all this.
